At age three, your child will be much less selfish than she was at two. She’ll also be less dependent on you, a sign that her own sense of identity is stronger and more secure. Now she’ll actually play with other children, interacting instead of just playing side by side. In the process, she’ll recognize that not everyone thinks exactly as she does and that each of her playmates has many unique qualities, some attractive and some not. You’ll also find her drifting toward certain children and starting to develop friendships with them. As she creates these friendships, she’ll discover that she, too, has special qualities that make her likable—a revelation that will give a vital boost to her self-esteem.
There’s some more good news about your child’s development at this age: As she becomes more aware of and sensitive to the feelings and actions of others, she’ll gradually stop competing and will learn to cooperate when playing with her friends. She’ll be capable of taking turns and sharing toys in small groups, even if she doesn’t always do it. Instead of grabbing, whining, or screaming for something, she’ll actually ask politely much of the time. As a result, you can look forward to less aggressive behavior and calmer play sessions. Often three-year-old are able to work out their own solutions to disputes by taking turns or trading toys.
However, particularly in the beginning, you’ll need to encourage this type of cooperation. For instance, you might suggest that she “use her words” to deal with problems instead of violent actions. Also, remind her that when two children are sharing a toy, each gets an equal turn. Suggest ways to reach a simple solution when she and another child want the same toy, perhaps drawing for the first turn or finding another toy or activity. This doesn’t work all the time, but it’s worth a try. Also, help her with the appropriate words to describe her feelings and desires so that she doesn’t feel frustrated. Above all, show her by your own example how to cope peacefully with conflicts. If you have an explosive temper, try to tone down your reactions in her presence. Otherwise, she’ll mimic your behavior whenever she’s under stress.
No matter what you do, however, there probably will be times when your child’s anger or frustration becomes physical. When that happens, restrain her from hurting others, and if she doesn’t calm down quickly, move her away from the other children. Talk to her about her feelings and try to determine why she’s so upset. Let her know that you understand and accept her feelings, but make it clear that physically attacking another child is not a good way to express these emotions.
Help her see the situation from the other child’s point of view by reminding her of a time when someone hit or screamed at her, and then suggest more peaceful ways to resolve her conflicts. Finally, once she understands what she’s done wrong—but not before—ask her to apologize to the other child. However, simply saying “I’m sorry” may not help your child correct her behavior; she also needs to know why she’s apologizing. She may not understand right away, but give it time; by age four these explanations will begin to mean something to her.
Last Updated 11/2/2009
Source Caring for Your Baby and Young Child: Birth to Age 5 (Copyright © 2009 American Academy of Pediatrics)
The information contained on this Web site should not be used as a substitute for the medical care and advice of your pediatrician. There may be variations in treatment that your pediatrician may recommend based on individual facts and circumstances.
