Using a bulb syringe nose aspirator thingy for the first time: Are you sure this thing won’t suck my baby’s brains right out through their her nostrils?
Putting on a snap bodysuit, every time: How do you do this without breaking their pliable little arms? It was so much easier getting Barbie in and out of her clothes.
The drive home from the hospital: I have never been more aware of the arrogant presumption that moving faster than a walk in a tin can on rubber wheels is somehow safe.
Driving alone with your infant, every time: How are you supposed to keep your eyes on the road when your eyes are obsessively checking the rearview mirror? And, when your baby starts making that shrieking noise and you are in heavy traffic? What then?
The first shopping trip with a breastfeeding baby: When you are in the supermarket checkout line with a full cart and your baby starts wailing inconsolably. Is there an escape hatch nearby? Do you ditch the cart and flee, or do you whip out the boob? And how do you do that in public, exactly?
Putting your baby into the baby carrier: This is most definitely a fraught, two-person job for at least the first two dozen times.
First time finding “cheese” in your baby’s neck folds: Imagine you are in the pediatrician’s office for a well-baby visit — you are holding your baby, and you smell something foul but cannot figure out where it’s coming from. Then you find it. Oh my God, they are going to take my baby away from me on the grounds of neglect.
If you need some actual helpful advice about what to do when you are home alone with a baby who is awake, check out How to care for a newborn baby.
