By Claire Lerner and Rebecca Parlakian
My 18-month-old son naps at child care like clockwork, every day from 12:30 p.m. to 2:30 pm. But on the weekends we can’t get him to go down for even 30 minutes! We do his nap routine, put him in his crib, but he screams until we give up and go get him. By 5 p.m. we’re all exhausted. Any suggestions?
It can be tough to have a toddler up all day, especially one who is cranky and overtired. No nap means no break for mom and dad. It can feel pretty frustrating for parents to know that their child happily goes along with nap-time at child care but won’t go down without a fight on the weekend. The comforting news is that this dilemma is pretty common. Here’s why.
First, child care providers are dealing with children in groups, so there is a greater need for rules and cooperation than there is at home. Young children learn very quickly what will and won’t fly in the different places they are cared for and are amazingly adaptable. Second, there is a difference in the nature of the adult and child relationships in child care versus home. A child care provider may care deeply about your child, but she does not have the same emotional connection to him as you do. This is why parents almost always find it more difficult than care providers to set and enforce limits. Parents sometimes get love and limits mixed up. Setting limits feels “mean” because children are often unhappy about and protest them.
As you begin to tackle this issue, keep in mind that you are being good parents by helping your child get the sleep he needs, even if he cries and complains. Start by talking with your child care provider to find out how she transitions the children to nap-time. Is there a set routine that helps prepare the children for nap-time: lunch, then diaper changing, then a story? Does she rub your child’s back? Play quiet music? Try to re-create the atmosphere and rituals as much as possible at home.
It can also help to try to maintain routines as much as possible on the weekends. Falling asleep in the car for 15 minutes here and there as you do errands means your child may not nap when you get home. If you let your child sleep later on a Saturday or Sunday morning, he may not go down at nap-time.
If your child is 1 year or older, put a few soft toys or padded books in his crib. Some toddlers need time to wind down. Quiet play can often do the trick. (Note that soft objects in the crib can be a suffocation hazard for children under 12 months.)
If your son cries, go in to comfort him briefly—but don’t linger or take him out of the crib. Simply peek your head in and say something like, “It’s time to sleep. We’ll play when nap-time is done.” You can decide if you’d like to go back in periodically (say, 5 minutes or 10 minutes later if he’s still crying) or not at all. The approach you choose depends on your child’s temperament and what you feel might work best for him. However, keep in mind that the going-in-periodically-to-soothe routine sometimes confuses children and can prolong the protesting as they keep waiting for you to come back in.
Remember, this is a learning process and takes time. Start out with a half hour as a goal. If he doesn’t fall asleep, go get him after 30 minutes. Wait a few days, then shoot for 45 minutes, then an hour. Soon you may find that he is learning to fall asleep on his own. Or, he may just rest and play quietly (remember, you can’t force a child to sleep), which also has benefits.
The most important thing is consistency. Going in and picking him up one day, then letting him cry it out the next is not likely to work and will only confuse your toddler. When you are consistent with his napping ritual, he will learn to adapt more easily and quickly.
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