By Claire Lerner and Rebecca Parlakian
My 3-year-old son is suddenly afraid of the dark. He wants us to leave the light on when he goes to sleep, and if we turn it off after he’s nodded off, he awakens in the middle of the night screaming. What should I do?
Fear of the dark is quite common. In order to understand why this is happening and what you can do, consider the following factors. First, think about any recent changes in his world. A separation from a loved one, a new baby, a new babysitter, a recent move? Any change can cause a child to feel insecure and fearful.
Where he’s at developmentally is also a factor. Starting at around age 2½~3, children are engrossed in a world of pretend and imagination, but they don’t fully understand the difference between fantasy and reality. In their minds, anything can happen at night: the dragon from the bedtime story or the clown from the party might suddenly appear out of the shadows to scare them.
Finally, your child’s temperament is important. Children who are by nature more fearful and cautious, or who get overstimulated easily are more prone to develop fears. To help your child overcome his nighttime fears:
Don’t tease, even in good humor, or try to talk him out of it. This can prolong the fear as well as erode his trust in you.
Try to control any frustration you might feel. Expressing annoyance can increase your child’s distress. It also makes it more difficult for you to respond sensitively.
Make one of his special stuffed animals his “protector” and include it in his bedtime routine. During the day, act out stories in which the protector watches over others.
Let him sleep with a night light or leave the hallway light on with his bedroom door open. Using a dimmer may also help. Let your child decide when he’s ready to darken his bedroom.
If he wakes up in the middle of the night, resist the temptation to bring him into your room. This sends the message that he really is not safe alone in his room. Instead go to him to reassure him that the monsters aren’t real.
Most children outgrow these fears in a few weeks or months. Your best strategy for now is to be sensitive and patient with your son and know that this too shall pass.
First, sit down and talk to her about making this change. Listen to her concerns and let her know you understand that she may be scared at first, but that you’re confident she can learn to feel secure in her own bed. Remind her of other challenges she has faced and overcome. If she doesn’t have a “lovey,” help her attach to a stuffed animal or blanket she seems to especially like. Having a trusted “friend” in her new room with her can provide the sense of security and comfort she needs to substitute for when she can’t be with you.
After you’ve set the stage, pick a start date and end your child’s bedtime routine by lying down with her or next to her bed until she falls asleep. Then, incrementally move yourself out of her room. After a few days of lying beside her, sit a few feet away from her bed and move closer to the door each night until you’re sitting outside her room until she falls asleep.
If she awakens in the middle of the night and comes into your room, walk her back to her room and provide the comfort she needs there. Don’t revert to letting her sleep in your bed. This can cause her confusion about what the new rules are and make it more difficult for her to adapt.
