As your child develops her own identity during these early years, she’s bound to experiment with attitudes and behaviors of both sexes. There’s rarely any reason to discourage such impulses, except when the child is resisting or rejecting strongly established cultural standards. For instance, if your son wanted to wear dresses every day or your daughter only wants to wear sport shorts like her big brother, allow the phase to pass unless it is inappropriate for a specific event. If he persists, however, discuss the issue with your pediatrician. Your child also may imitate certain types of behavior that adults consider sexual, such as flirting. If she’s very dramatic and expressive, you may be concerned by these “suggestive” looks and movements, but often the suggestions are just an adult way of looking at the situation, while the child is just playing and is not aware of her actions. At this age, she has no mature sexual intentions, and her mannerisms are merely playful mimicry, so don’t worry. If, however, she may have been personally exposed to sexual acts, you should discuss this with your pediatrician, as it could be a sign of sexual abuse.
By age four, your child should have an active social life filled with friends, and he may even have a “best friend” (usually, but not always, of his own sex). Ideally, he’ll have friends in the neighborhood or in his preschool that he sees routinely.
But what if your child is not enrolled in preschool and doesn’t live near other families? And what if the neighborhood children are too old or too young for him? In these cases, you’ll want to arrange play sessions with other preschoolers. Parks, playgrounds, and preschool activity programs all provide excellent opportunities to meet other children.
Once your preschooler has found playmates he seems to enjoy, you need to take some initiative to encourage their relationships. Encourage him to invite these friends to your home. It’s important for him to “show off” his home, family, and possessions to other children. This will help him establish a sense of self-pride. Incidentally, to generate this pride, his home needn’t be luxurious or filled with expensive toys; it needs only to be warm and welcoming.
It’s also important to recognize that at this age his friends are not just playmates. They also actively influence his thinking and behavior. He’ll desperately want to be just like them, even during those times when their actions violate rules and standards you’ve taught him from birth. He now realizes that there are other values and opinions besides yours, and he may test this new discovery by demanding things that you’ve never allowed him—certain toys, foods, clothing, or permission to watch certain TV programs.
Don’t despair if your child’s relationship with you changes dramatically in light of these new friendships. For instance, he may be rude to you for the first time in his life. When you tell him to do something that he objects to, he may occasionally tell you to “shut up” or even swear at you. Hard as it may be to accept, this sassiness actually is a positive sign that he’s learning to challenge authority and test the limits of his independence. Once again, the best way to deal with it is to express disapproval, and you might want to discuss with him what he really means or feels. The more emotionally you react, the more you’ll encourage him to continue behaving badly. But if the subdued approach doesn’t work, and he persists in talking back to you, a time-out is the most effective form of punishment.
Last Updated 11/2/2009
Source Caring for Your Baby and Young Child: Birth to Age 5 (Copyright © 2009 American Academy of Pediatrics)
The information contained on this Web site should not be used as a substitute for the medical care and advice of your pediatrician. There may be variations in treatment that your pediatrician may recommend based on individual facts and circumstances.
