Bear in mind that even though your child is exploring the concepts of good and bad at this age, he still has an extremely simplified sense of morality. Thus, when he obeys rules rigidly, it’s not necessarily because he understands or agrees with them, but more likely because he wants to avoid punishment. In his mind, consequences count but not intentions. When he breaks something of value, for instance, he probably assumes he’s bad, whether he did it on purpose or not. But he needs to be taught the difference between accidents and misbehaving.
To help him learn this difference, you need to separate him—as a person— from his behavior. When he does or says something that calls for punishment, make sure he understands that he’s being punished for a particular act that he’s done, not because he’s “bad.” Instead of telling him that he is bad, describe specifically what he did wrong, clearly separating the person from the behavior. For example, if he is picking on a younger sibling, explain that it’s wrong to make someone else feel bad, rather than just saying “You’re bad.” When he accidentally does something wrong, comfort him and tell him you understand it was unintentional. Try not to get upset yourself, or he’ll think you’re angry at him rather than about what he did.
It’s also important to give your preschooler tasks that you know he can perform and then praise him when he does them well. He’s quite ready for simple responsibilities, such as helping to set the table or cleaning his room. When you go on family outings, explain that you expect him to behave well, and congratulate him when he does so. Along with the responsibilities, give him ample opportunities to play with other children, and tell him how proud you are when he shares or is helpful to another child.
Finally, it’s important to recognize that the relationship with older siblings can be particularly challenging, especially if the sibling is three to four years older. Often your four-year-old is eager to do everything his older sibling is doing; and just as often, your older child resents the intrusion. He may be resentful of the intrusion on his space, his friends, his more daring and busy pace, and especially his room and things. You often become the mediator of these squabbles. It’s important to seek middle ground. Allow your older child his own time, independence, and private activities and space; but also foster times of cooperative play when and where appropriate. Family vacations are great opportunities to enhance the positives of their relationship and at the same time give each their own activity and special time.
Last Updated 11/2/2009
Source Caring for Your Baby and Young Child: Birth to Age 5 (Copyright © 2009 American Academy of Pediatrics)
The information contained on this Web site should not be used as a substitute for the medical care and advice of your pediatrician. There may be variations in treatment that your pediatrician may recommend based on individual facts and circumstances.
